The Year Spent In Silence….

If you noticed I haven’t really written on here for a while.

By “really writing” I mean I haven’t allowed myself to really open up and bleed on paper. But today I have something important to share. May you put aside whatever it is you’re doing and give me your attention for a few minutes…

I was asked an interesting question during a small interview;

“When do you feel at peace?”

My answer was “When I’m in myself.”

I’m at peace in myself so I’m at peace with you, with my surrounding.

As a child trying to escape the madness around me I did what I assumed was best to do.

I burrowed into myself.

Because of all the practice from my childhood, I became very good at withdrawing into myself and away from the external. Every time I did that I found myself letting go of all the things that mattered most to me.

Speaking. Writing. Music. Playing.

A year or so ago I buried myself within myself and slowly started to decay on the inside.

It was during this period that I paid my Mama a visit at work one day. A few minutes into our conversation one of her workmates walked up to me and said “Do you love your Mother?” I said yes. Then he said,” Has she shown you that picture on her phone that she’s been showing us for the past six months?” Puzzled I looked at Ma and she just smiled.

“She tells everyone here to memorize your face; that one day; her daughter is going to be someone really important. She’s convinced that you’ll be President. “

I burst out laughing. Ma burst out laughing.

I laughed all the way through dinner, I laughed all the way home, I laughed into my bed and when I placed my cheek down onto my pillow and felt the wetness of tears…I realized I’d cried through dinner, all the way home and onto my pillow.

I cried in gratitude.

So overwhelmed was I with gratitude towards a God who’d known enough to place me in the womb of a 16 year old child and equip her with the strength to believe in a daughter who’s own faith sometimes wavered.

Gratitude for the reminder that I already had what I needed because of those who paved the way and came before me. My crown had already been paid for. All I had to do was put it on, prepare myself and pave the way for someone else whose name I might never know and whose face I might never see.

When I couldn’t cry anymore, I got down on my knees and told God three words.

“You’re in charge now.”

Then I sat in complete silence.

I ate in silence. I moved in silence.

Even in the midst of a loud crowd, I was still in silence.

I could feel the transformation taking place.

Withdrawing into myself was no longer a way to escape; it became a way to tap into my inner place of peace.

I sat with myself for many uncomfortable hours.

And acknowledged every part, every self perceived flaw, every thought.

Every voice and every whisper.

As I listened, I started asking myself… “What is this negative voice saying? Is it true? If not… why do I often believe it to be so? These negative beliefs about myself, where are those from? Are they true? If not how do I work to change them…”

It was like sitting in front of a mirror for hours and hours and analyzing every piece of my face and body.

Except this was an analysis of my mind and soul. I held a mirror to my soul and asked the tough questions.

Who am I? How came I here? What is this thing called the world? What does this world mean? Who is it that brought me here? Why was I not made acquainted with its manners and customs inside the womb?

What is my purpose here? What can I do to do to make ‘here’ a better place for myself and others? Who are these others? How do I determine these ‘others’? Is it by social status, appearance, achievement, education?

Where am I? Is where I am where I want to be for the rest of my life? How do I journey to where I want to be? And who with…”

I sat in that uncomfortable space until it became comfortable.

I sat in silence with myself until I could drum out the rhythm of my heart beat.

With this newfound knowledge of self I was able to turn what was once a potentially dangerous mode of escapism into my own peaceful haven.

So when that question was asked,

“When do you feel at peace?”

I was right to answer “When I’m in myself.”

Because I was finally at peace with who I was. Which meant that I was at peace with all.

How I wish someone had warned me and said, “Buckle up. Your sense of self is about to be really tested.”

And tested I was.

Have you ever had one of those really awesome people in your life? Who’s been in your life for such a long time and made such a positive impact? Who’s very existence and way of living you admire? One of those really amazing friends who you always find time to thank God for? I had one of those. Then I lost them.

Because of what I believe is one of the most powerful things on earth; words.

We enter Our Lord’s presence with words of prayer. We can string together a few words and start a war or create peace. We can also wound the people around us with one word. A few words were all it took for that negative voice to start creeping back in.

“Maybe you’re just not enough. Maybe you’re really not good enough. Maybe it’s true; you’re broken and damaged in someway. Maybe your not worth being loved. Maybe you don’t know how to love. Maybe the kind of love you give is flawed…”

I started to realize that I was slowly losing my place of peace. I was placing the opinion of someone dear to me above my own opinion of myself.

But God was in charge. He always was.

That negative voice lasted only one night. I cried it out for one night. And in the morning I walked over to the mirror on my wall, looked myself square in the eye and said;

“I am not damaged. I am not broken. I am enough. I am good enough. I am whole and I am complete.

The love I give is not flawed.

It’s whole and fulfilling, it’s deep and it’s caring. It’s selfless and uplifting.

Because I have a big generous heart.

I am a great person. I am fun and funny.

I am kind and caring. I am deep and sensitive. I am tough and strong. I am….”

I stood in front of that mirror for hours. And when I finally turned away from it…it was with a smile on my face and peace in my heart.

Why am I telling you all this?

It is because I want you to start the New Year by defining your “I am…”

The words that follow I am follow you; that is the most important lesson I learned this year.

The most powerful force in the human psyche is how we describe ourselves to ourselves. If you define yourself as unloved or unworthy, as weak and unwanted, then by all means you are. But if every day you define yourself as enough, as worthy of love and support, as beautiful and smart… Then by all means you’ll become those things.

Who’s defining you? Who words are you allowing to define who you are?

We allow people to define us and we bury ourselves in these labels.

We imprison ourselves in these externally given titles that are in most cases meant to limit us. Why not honestly define yourself? With all the good and the bad?

I am enough and worth it. I am persistent and nurturing. I am talented and strong. I am compassionate and observant. By acknowledging these, I’m informing myself of who I am.

But I can also be impatient and forgetful. I can be stubborn and reckless at times. By acknowledging these, I’m taking the first step to improving them.

There’s a place within us all that should be kept free from violation. A place that must be kept free from exploitation. A place where nobody can hurt you or curse you.

Because within that place, nothing from the external has the power to inform you of who you are. In that pristine place, you get to decide what can and can’t hurt, who you are and who you are not.