Self,
Has it ever crossed your mind that we are more of what’s inside of us than what we show on the outside?
Often times you placed yourself in a position of lacking so that the person that is in need could be happy with you, not because you wanted validation from them but because you thought that their happiness made you complete without realising that it instead, made you feel empty.
By empty I do not mean sad,
by empty I do not mean needy,
by empty I do not mean lacking,
But it was like digging a void that would-
often in matters not even related to what you had just done or given out-
Leave you feeling victimised, feeling hurt or put down and sometimes even blaming others for it. You were always giving out your favorite pair stilettos and wearing a worn out pair of sneakers so that the other person could look great.
You mastered the art of losing,
You became comfortable with giving up everything,
You were happy to do so.
But that’s the part of selflessness that’s tricky,
It’s selfish; to you and, in the long run, to the people that truly are for you.
Let’s weigh this scale,
On one end, God tells us to give-
giving what we love instead of what we don’t need is the true definition of selflessness. Giving without being seen and without expecting a reward is exactly the kind of giving that brings blessings to us from God. Sacrificing that which we cherish to make others happy is an act of selflessness. Right?
On the other hand, taking care of ourselves, our bodies, keeping what we’ve bought from our hard earned money, and giving every once in a while with a clean heart, when we can and it does not put us in a position of discomfort, is all responsibility and accountability to oneself. Right?
Now lets talk about what the real issue was.
Most of us use the small things around us to cover up the brokenness within us. We shield and cover ourselves up, inflicting pain upon others and hoping that, that way, pain won’t be inflicted upon us. We place ourselves in a position where we are everyone’s ‘helper’ hoping that that makes us feel better about ourselves and fills the void inside us.
“One day you wake up, look around you and realize you’ve given out your pride, you’ve given out your respect, you’ve given out your identity, you’ve given up your truest friendships, you’ve given up a love that could have been great, and you’ve given up your soul! You realize that you’ve stopped recognising the truth from lies; stopped recognising what’s real and what is not.”
If that does not sound like a dark place, I don’t know what is.
It started out, as a small act of giving out your cutest pair of shoes and ended up in you giving out all that was important. You don’t know much but I know you’ll reach a point where you’re disappointment in yourself grows more each day.
In order to save you from that, let me tell you this self,
We seek to find out who we truly are in the earliest years of our lives.
Those years of our lives are years we spend adventuring, laughing, crying, losing, gaining, forming solid relationships, breaking bonds. The experiences in those years all sum up to mold our self worth and create higher and higher bricks of value. But those experiences can also tear us down… so keep that in mind.
They say that the friends we have around us either build us or destroy us but I say that friends either bring out the worst parts of ourselves that are hidden or help us to see the best parts of us that we have not yet recognised.
Now let’s dive into the story, shall we self?
There’s this friend of ours that meets you in that giving phase- giving out your cute shoes and happy with yourself although still naive to life and it’s ways. Soon, that friend (He) introduces you to an exciting world that you had never seen before. A world filled with extremely fun people but very narcissistic too but also filled with some supportive and genuinely nice people.
You’ll be surrounded on all sides but breaking inside.
Meeting those people, whose definition of life is very different from yours, drains you to the point of excessively giving out everything you have to compensate for the emptiness you feel. Then you start making the wrong choices and lose your whole sense of being. You completely forget who you are, maybe because you never gave yourself a chance to figure that out from the start?
“You start settling for less and believing that you’re okay looking after everyone else even if it’s never reciprocated. You start to believe you’re the victim and everyone else is to blame. “They are the problem” you tell yourself. But are they? Isn’t the problem the fact that you’ve never properly dealt with all the emptiness inside of you?
You cannot give from an empty cup…”
The Turning Point:
You’ll find someone to really open up to, an elder cousin who will say this to you;
“You are kind and always taking care of someone, but you are not responsible for everyone’s happiness. Now it’s okay to keep your kind nature and keep giving, the best way you know how, to because that is just who you are.
BUT… Find yourself FIRST. Fill your cup. Give to yourself. And then, give to others. Lastly stop Allowing people to put you down. They do not do it because they are perfect, but they do it because you’re easy to do it to. You care too much and they care too much about THEMSELVES, which means you’re that stepping stone they use to feel better about their insecurities. People don’t mind making you look bad so that they look good. So start standing up for yourself…”
Seeing the pain and pity in her eyes as she says this will make you tear up.
A mental breakdown will follow. Memories of what you should have done better and how you could have chosen differently and friends’ warnings will flood your mind. The pain you caused those that mattered the most to you by making them watch you lose yourself will be heavy. That heaviness will break you but that’s okay, because you needed to be torn to get yourself back together.
You’ve often tried to seek God a time or two; you’re born again, you go to church and you pray but after that epic breakdown, you’ll start to seek God never before. You’ll search for him, you’ll persist even when he feels distant and far, you’ll open yourself up to Him and have the most honest conversations with Him. Finally you’ll start to feel his presence and spend hours in silence, listening to him. You have a firm conviction that no one can fill you like He does; you open up so that he can start to fill your cup. And deep down you know you will NEVER feel empty again. Forget about the shoes, your understanding of giving is deeper and more freeing because you don’t have to lose yourself in the process again.
Your soul is satisfied.
“For the presence of God, you’re grateful.”
You’re grateful for friends and family that never left your side.
Your mind is in a great place. Your self worth is that of a princess and it’s evident in the people you now attract. Your skin glows and your needs are met because you chose a source whose wealth is abundant…
A few reflections from a not-so-older you,
k.F
#Letters2Self
