I have always thought that there was a problem with society’s obsession and intense focus on comparisons; how we compare against others, rather than paying attention to our intrinsic value. Our culture tells us we need to be special and above average to feel good about ourselves, but we can’t all be above average all the time. I couldn’t be above average all the time. And that was okay. Because ordinary does not equal meaningless.
For me, as I know for many of you, establishing and honoring my own self-worth was a difficult task. I thought that taking the steps to believe in my value as a person equaled me being selfish. And I think this is why many people struggle to identify just how valuable they are to the world.
The problem is, when we try to identify how valuable we are, we do so by comparing ourselves against others. And yet basing your worth on how you fare against others means you will never really feel valuable and worthy. There will always be someone richer, more attractive, or more successful than we are. And yes, it is possible to compare yourself to others and even manage to feel self-worth for one golden moment, but it is impossible to hold onto this fleeting “golden moment.” Your sense of self-worth will keep rising and falling in lock-step with your latest success or failure in comparison to others. But why compare when you can just be yourself?
Another mistake I made was trying to attach my value and worth to how much I had accomplished. Real accomplishments are important to acknowledge as you build your sense of self but they shouldn’t be the weight against which you measure your self-worth. Remember that.
As mindfulness expert, Dr. Donna Rockwell points out, we are all unique and that, in and of itself, gives each of our inherent value.
“We shouldn’t be rating ourselves, we should just be ourselves.”
As you slowly build your sense of self, it’s important that you know the difference between self-esteem and self-worth.
“Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognizing ‘I am greater than all of those things.’ It is a deep knowing that I am of value, that I am loveable, necessary to this life, and of incomprehensible worth.”
Too often I rated myself based on what I did versus who I was. If this is you, maybe you should work on changing this…
The Importance of Self Worth
Your self-worth isn’t a measurable thing. You can’t measure the immeasurable. In other words, self-worth is about who you are, not about what you do.
Self-worth is at the core of our very selves, our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are intimately tied into how we view our worth and value as human beings. But there are so many misunderstandings and misconceptions about self-worth. There are so many things that you might base your worth on, that do not and should not determine your self-worth.
Things that DO NOT determine your value or worth as a person;
What You Look Like
Your looks have nothing to do with your self-worth. It doesn’t matter if your hair is always tangled and your brows are never on fleek because your outer beauty has zero correlation with your inner beauty. The numbers on a scale, the number of likes you get on Instagram, how much attention you can attract with your appearance, DO NOT determine your self-worth. A beautiful body or a handsome face won’t last forever. Hair loss, wrinkles, and middle-age can become catastrophic if your self-worth depends on your physical appearance.
What You Do
A career helps many people feel worthwhile. In fact, while introducing themselves, a lot people start with what they do by saying, “I’m a doctor,” or “I’m a lawyer.” Their job ceases to be what they do and it becomes who they are. Their career reinforces to them that they’re “somebody.” But it doesn’t matter what you do. What matters is that you do it well and that it fulfills you.
What You Achieve
While it’s normal to feel proud about your accomplishments, basing your entire self-worth on your achievement is like building your house on an unsteady foundation. You’ll need to experience constant success to feel good about yourself so what happens when you fail? Over and over again?
Who You Know
Your value has absolutely nothing to do with how many friends or connections you have. The quality of your relationships is what’s really important.
Your to-do list
Achieving goals is great and it feels wonderful to cross off things on your to-do list, but it doesn’t and shouldn’t have a direct relationship with your worth as a human.
Your social media following
It also doesn’t matter how many people think you are worthy of a follow or a retweet. It can be enlightening and healthy to consider the perspectives of others, but their opinions should have no impact on your innate value.
Your age
You aren’t too young or too old for anything. Your age is simply a number and does not factor into your value as a human being.
Your Grades
Your performance in class has and should have no bearing on your value as a person. A straight-A student is just as valuable and worthy to this life as a straight-F student.
Your relationship status
Whether flying solo, casually dating, or in a committed relationship, your value is exactly the same. Your relationship status doesn’t alter your worth.
The Opinions of Others
Your self-worth and value should not be based upon other people’s opinions of you. It doesn’t matter if it’s your mother, your boyfriend or girlfriend, your pastor, your teacher or mentor, or even your boss! “As long as you look for someone else to validate who you are by seeking their approval, you are setting yourself up for disaster. You have to be whole and complete in yourself. No one can give you that. You have to know who you are – what others say is irrelevant.”
Anything or anyone but yourself You are the only one who determines your self-worth. If you believe you are worthy and valuable, you are worthy and valuable. Even if you don’t believe you are worthy and valuable, guess what? You still are worthy and valuable. “Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.”_ Elizabeth Gilbert
“Okay, we know what does and doesn’t (and shouldn’t) determine our self-worth, but what does healthy self-worth really look like?” If that thought just crossed your mind, read on.
This is what healthy self-worth really looks like;
Let’s take a look at two different people.
There is Andrew.
Andrew is not a great student. He gets mostly Bs and Cs, even when he spends a great deal of time studying and revising. He never gets good marks, he’s not that good of a reader, he’s a struggling writer, and not a mathematician or historian either. Even though Andrew wishes he had better grades, he still feels pretty good about himself. He knows that grades aren’t everything and that he’s just as valuable a person as his straight-A friends. Andrew has a high sense of self-worth and a realistic view of himself and his abilities.
There is also Anne.
Anne has a wide variety of interests, including running, attending book club meetings, playing weekly quizzes with her friends, and meeting new people. Anne’s not particularly good at running and has never even come close to winning a marathon. She’s a slow reader and is slow to understand the simplest of things. She also loves to talk to new people but she usually gets blown off and ignored.
Despite all of this, she still believes that she is worthy and valuable. She knows that her worth as a human is not dependent on her ability to run, how well she reads, how quick she understands or how many new friends she makes in a week. Whether she is great, terrible, or somewhere in between at each of her vast range of chosen activities, she knows she is still worthy of happiness, fulfillment, and love.
Andrew and Anne all have healthy levels of self-worth. They have varying levels of abilities and talents, and they get a wide range of results from their efforts, but they all understand that what they do is not who they are. No matter whether they win awards or accolades for their performance or not, they still have the same high opinion of their value as people.
“The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself.”- Maya Angelou
So how do we build healthy Self-Worth?
Remember, you are already valuable. And if you’re struggling with remembering this, hopefully, the tips below should put you on the right path…
The first step in building self-worth is to stop comparing yourself to others and evaluate your every move. A true sense of self-worth can also be fostered by practicing self-compassion.
Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness and compassion as you would treat a friend.
This involves taking on what is described as the “COAL” attitude; which means being Curious, Open, Accepting, and Loving toward yourself and your experiences rather than being self-critical.
The second step is adding meaning to your life. People find meaning in many different ways; think about the activities and interests that feel meaningful to you personally and pursue those activities to build a more positive feeling of self-worth.
Researcher Dr. Jennifer Crocker suggests that you find “a goal that is bigger than the self.” Investing energy in goals and activities that extend beyond one’s self-interest, for example, volunteering, contributing to a humanitarian cause, or trying, in some way, to improve other people’s lives or helps build self-worth.
Deciding what principles you will live your life by and acting on those principles, in ways that you respect, is another important quality to foster as you develop a higher level of self-worth. Make a concerted effort to maintain personal integrity in your life by insisting that your actions correspond to your words. In most cases, having no sense of integrity makes us more vulnerable to attacks from our critical inner voice and less likely to respect ourselves.
Remember, it’s so easy to get caught up in chasing money, status, and popularity—especially when these things are highly valued by those around us and by society in general—but make an effort to take a step back and think about what truly matters when determining people’s worth: kindness, compassion, empathy, respect for others.
“Most lives are not distinguished by great achievements. They are measured by an infinite number of small ones. Each time you do a kindness for someone or bring a smile to his face, it gives your life meaning. Never doubt your value, little friend. The world would be a dismal place without you in it.”
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I truly hope that this series about self-worth has helped you somehow in some way.
It isn’t always so easy laying myself bare as I do in these posts sometimes, but knowing that one person out there can find value in my ramblings makes me face the fear head-on and continue writing.
All I ever hope for is that one of my articles can help one other person feel a little less alone, a little more understood, and consider a perspective that could create positive change, that to me, is a success. I encourage you to join the conversation – talk about the topics that are considered to be too uncomfortable. Strive to be authentic, not perfect. Share your vulnerability – that’s what enables humans to connect. And know that there is always someone listening…
Thank you.
Hang onto hope.
The War Within PartII: Learning to accept God’s Love and Mercy.
