“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” _Brené Brown
Years ago, when you were younger, you were most probably fearless. You didn’t mind what you wore, how you spoke, or how the world perceived you. You opened your eyes and your heart to new experiences and people and trusted that everything was going to be okay.
Somewhere along the way, you started hiding and learned that being vulnerable can hurt. You probably got teased and laughed at for one thing or the other, and you learned that not everyone can be trusted with your secrets. Your heart broke and so you hid behind this cage until you couldn’t recognize who you are anymore.
But you cannot hide from the truth. You cannot destroy the truth.
Truth is power. Truth is courage. So here is some truth…
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“Oh! You’re so pretty!”
“What a beautiful girl! Stunning!”
“It’s so easy for you because you’re so smart!”
“She can sing and dance BTW. Oh, She can draw and cook too. Have you read her writing? Have you ever seen the art she makes?! I mean, she can literally do anything!”
“She’s insanely talented.” “She is so creative”
.
I have been here for 22 years.
I heard one of the above comments in reference to myself almost every other day.
And yet, for the last 20 years, I struggled with feeling worthy.
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“I have written 11 books but each time I think ‘Uh-oh, they’re going to find out now,'” Maya Angelou once said… #theConversationCrushes: Maya Angelou.
“I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.”
Angelou was an incredibly gifted writer; nominated for the Pulitzer Prize. She won five Grammy’s for her spoken recordings and a ton of other awards.
But even the most talented among us struggle with inner battles, struggle with our worth. Public acclaim and success for Maya didn’t erase the feeling that maybe, deep down, she was a fraud, who didn’t have a clue what she was doing.
You’ve probably felt the same. I know I have.
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For as long as I can remember, I struggled with feeling worthy.
I was a child when I learned about self-esteem; the internal assessment of my qualities and attributes. I was lucky enough to go to a primary school where we were encouraged to see the good in ourselves and in the people around us. I treasure every lesson I learned during those days, I carried them with me into my adult life.
I learned very early on what my positive qualities and attributes were. And I am glad I did because I was never swayed into the arms of another or into anything because of a simple compliment. It was never arrogance or narcissism (I think I was too shy and self-conscious to feel like I was ever above everyone else) but it was also never something that brought me great joy.
I never felt the rush that comes with being called ‘insanely talented, gifted, beautiful or intelligent. I didn’t feel anything and more times than not I’d stare at the person(giving the compliment) with this weird half smile on my face, completely ignorant about how to react and then give a polite thank you and run as fast as I could away from the giver of compliments.
I didn’t care as to why I had no reaction. I simply didn’t know enough to try and figure out why there was no reaction. I hadn’t yet understood the secret language of reactions or non-reaction and what it could all possibly mean.
So for years, I lived in total blissful ignorance. And I listened to the same compliments every other day.
I know you’re probably thinking, “Those are some horrible self-esteem issues, girl!”
I know. And I don’t blame you. I thought the very same thing.
For quite a few years, I thought it all boiled down to my self-esteem. So I worked on it. The time came; when my mind handed me the keys and my soul opened up the gates so that I could go ahead and start the journey to understanding myself better. I worked on it!
When you hear something repeatedly for years, you start to acknowledge it as fact. But I evaluated myself, too. I knew what I was good at. I knew the areas I was struggling in. I knew my strengths. I knew my qualities.
I knew! I knew!
I knew I was smart. I knew I was gifted and really good at some stuff. The problem was never about whether I acknowledged the compliments I heard or not. I did acknowledge them. Of course, not every day, but the majority of the time my self-esteem was good.
I acknowledged what I heard and what I discovered about myself as fact. But never as the truth.
I never accepted any of it…
I did not believe I was worthy enough to do so.
And that was the problem…
The End Of Part One…
