Are approval and validation the same thing?
Both of these stem out of a lack of self-worth, but the locus of activity is in opposite directions in both cases. Approval Seeking (AS) focuses on modifying your own behavior, while Validation Seeking (VS) puts the obligation of agreeing with you on external agents.
For example, with the same reply:
A person with AS will modify her/his answer so that people like it. A person with VS will post whatever the f*** they want, and expect the community to like it. And when the community doesn’t, they get p!ssed off with the world.
If you’re still not sure whether any of the above sounds like you, then the checklist below might enlighten you more:
- Taking disagreement personally.
When someone disagrees with something you’ve said or done, do you take it to heart as a personal slight and feel upset or even insulted? This is a classic response for a people pleaser because the quest for approval has failed.
- Changing or adapting your point of view in the face of apparent disapproval.
You’ve voiced your opinion on some matter, important or not, and someone responds with an opposing view. Do you vigorously defend your position or find yourself softening your argument in order to fit more closely with theirs? An approval seeker’s opinion changes depending on whom they’re talking to because they lack confidence in their own convictions and are keen not to alienate others by adopting a conflicting view.
- Afraid to say ‘no’ for fear of disapproval.
Are you a serial over-committer? Do you always say ‘yes’ when asked to do something, when your instinctive response is to say ‘no’? Physical and emotional exhaustion is the end result of this behavior and leads you to resent all the things you’ve committed to. But it stems from that need to please and your quest for approval.
4. Gaining attention or acceptance through gossip.
Do you feel the urge to tell tales to make yourself look better or smarter or more knowledgeable? Sharing gossip gives you the power to impress others, be the centre of attention, and gain kudos. This temporarily bolsters your low self-esteem.
5. Appearing to agree with someone (verbally/non-verbally) when you don’t.
How often do you find yourself listening to an enthusiastically expressed opinion that you don’t agree with, but appear to agree with nonetheless? By expressing support for a view you don’t agree with, either with words or a nod of your head, you’re not being true to yourself. You just want that person to approve of you and like you.
6. Not complaining when you’ve received unsatisfactory service or goods.
How many times have you moaned and groaned about the food or the service in a restaurant, but when the waiter cheerfully inquires if everything was okay, nodded your head and said everything’s fine and dandy? The worst you might do is to leave a smaller tip, right? By not taking issue with these things, you’re reinforcing your own lack of self-worth. You’re telling yourself you are not entitled to the best of anything.
7. Pretending to know or understand something.
That awkward moment when someone assumes that you know something or have a particular skill…the approval seeker’s default response in such a situation is to fake it. The thing is, nine times out of ten, the pretense is exposed. Sadly, as you’ll probably have discovered, rather than gaining the approval you seek, you get condemnation or ridicule instead.
8. Feeling the need to apologize even when there’s been no disapproval.
You say sorry too much. No matter what has happened and whether or not you had any hand in it – and even if no word of blame has been voiced – the people-pleaser will always be the first to apologize. If there is no error or behavioral faux pas on your part, why should you feel the need to apologize?
9. Expecting compliments or fishing for them and/or being upset they’re not forthcoming.
Few things provide the validation you desire better than a compliment. An approval seeker may set out deliberately, however, to coerce those they’re interacting with into voicing praise. Often, that praise is neither due nor appropriate. An extension of this type of behaviour is to feel upset when the compliments you desire fail to materialize.
10. Failing to cope with any level of criticism.
If your aim is to gain the approval of others, then the concept of criticism is utterly intolerable. It implies you have failed in some way in achieving your goal. This response is often rooted in childhood, when parental criticism or even punishment for failed goals or tasks drove us on to seek approval next time.
11. Behaving in a way that’s contrary to your own beliefs.
This is typical behavior in high school: joining the gang just to be among the ‘popular’ people, even if, in your heart of hearts, you disagree with what they say and/or do. That’s forgivable as a teenager, but not so much when you’re an adult. An approval seeker can easily find them in a situation where they don’t follow their heart. They follow their people-pleasing head instead, even if this creates a conflict with their core beliefs.
I hope this article helps you. Keep hanging onto hope,
Naks.
